How To Effectively Communicate With Another Person When They’re Highly Charged and Emotionally Charged. March 28 2018

How To Communicate With Another Person as They’re Highly Emotionally Charged. Learn 7 Steps you can do to calm a situation. As you build this 7 step habit, you will successfully negotiate any crucial conversation. 

Have you ever had to deal with someone when they were really angry or frustrated? Have you ever been yelled at or called names and felt degraded by someone yelling at you?

What would it be like if you knew exactly what to do when energy in another person was too high and uncomfortable to deal with?

What would it be like if you could calm people in high energy states? 

Sometimes it’s worth it to address other people in high energy and sometimes it’s not.

When the relationship is casual or you don’t know the person, let it go, move on, don’t fret. It’s not usually worth your peace of mind, or is it? 

Ask yourself, ‘do you really need to teach this person something?’ If you do, it could take awhile. Be prepared for a long conversation and learn how to communicate well in charged situations. 

When I’m in a pub, and someone I don’t know well is emotionally charged, speaking something I don’t like or agree with, and it triggers me negatively, I let it go most of the time and move away. Sometimes I’ll move on by changing the subject. 

If I have time and believe I can teach this person, or others, by engaging in a strained conversation, I’ll engage and take the time to get the conversation to common ground. I’m a practiced communicator though and it’s rare I give up before realizing my intention. Sometimes it takes an hour or two. If you’re a seasoned communicator in charged situations, you’ll likely do the same. 

If you’re not highly capable of dealing with charged situations and with people you don’t know, but the topic matters allot to you, follow the 7 steps below. 

Maybe you have to deal with someone at work that goes off. Maybe you have a close friend or family member that often goes off. If the relationship matters then follow the steps below. 

1. Postpone, pause and reflect. Don’t act until step 6. When another person’s energy is high, they are not typically receptive to being stopped. Don’t try it unless you have previous permission --From Them--to stop them.
2. Detach and analyze. Don’t react with charged emotion yourself. Wait till step 6 before expressing. Things escalate and get out of control easy when 2 or more people are charged with negative emotion. Beware of this. Step away if you are charged and detach from yourself. Move into the 2^nd person.
3. Become aware of your own Human Interaction Process (HIP) in the situation. Ask 5 questions. 

• What did I witness, (hear and see)?
• What was my thought about it?
• How did it make me feel?
• What do I want by discussing this? What’s my intention?
• How am I going to act? What words am I going to use? What will my body language, facial expression and voice tone be? 

4. Imagine what the person’s HIP is or, may have been, in the moment of the incident? Understand it was likely different than yours and get curious. 
5. Plan your conversation before burbling out. If you have time and it’s not in the moment of the incident, write it all out and take it with you into the conversation, so when you begin the conversation you can keep things on track. If there is no time to write things down, go slow and flow into the next step. Focusing on each other’s HIP.
6. Have the conversation. Remember the HIP and keep the conversation coming to that focus. Focus on both people's HIP. First, ask questions about the other person. Inquire. It’s most often better to ask about, clarify and validate, their HIP in the incident, before sharing your own. 

Stephen Covey, in ‘The 7 Habits of highly Successful People’ says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”

I encourage you to share your HIP including the intention to understand the other person better. (State what you witnessed and sensed with your eyes and ears.)I heard you say…. (Then state what you thought and felt about it.) I feel a little confused and am wondering if I have the facts straight. (State your intention.) I want to understand you better and where you are coming from. Can you please clarify this part….

As you get good at communicating in tough situations you’re intuition gets more accurate and it’s easier to decide how to start the conversation. Focus on understanding each other’s feelings or emotions in the situation. Focus on the underlying positive intention in the situation. There’s more information on underlying intentions in the CONTACT Communications program from Success Tool Chest. Find common ground.

7. Share your own HIP. Go back and forth until each of you has a clear understanding and acceptance of each others process. Accept that you may not agree. Agree to disagree which is a way of moving forward. Or if you have found common ground, agree to the resolution and move on. 

With relationships that matter, it's a good idea to agree on a plan of action when energy levels rise in the future. Get permission to interrupt  when energy is high next time, if that will work for the other person. Ask what you could do to calm the other person down next time the emotions are high. Ask how they want to be talked to.

Accept it if they say 'don't interrupt', let me vent.  Listen and follow instruction. It's okay to set your own boundary though, and tell them the next time energy levels are high, 'I'm going to leave the room for a minute and take a break. Please don't be offended. I need to take care of myself. '  

Some notes to consider:

• Share emotion as a matter of fact. It helps to ground it out. Don't expect the other person to feel the same emotion as you in any situation. 
• Focus on underlying intentions (Good intentions are often underneath the angry, in-the-moment intentions). Ask about them. 
• As the conversation evolves continue to actively listen. Snap on, zip it, face the other person, nod a little. Keep body language open.
• As the conversation evolves continue to ask about their HIP. When we focus our energy on the other person, and seek to truly understand them, we usually get the outcome we want, or at least one that is satisfactory. 

When I’m mediating workers and supervisors, I take each person aside individually and explore their HIP and validate it.  Then I bring them together for the same HIP exploration.  We find common ground by exploring HIPs together.

Then I go to the next step.

Sometimes, when the issue is dealing with sensitive situations and people going off on tangents, the person who goes off gives permission to a respected co-worker, or friend, to stop and interrupt them in the future. Then, if it happens again they remind them of the previous permission: to call them out on their high energy and ask them to stop. 

Sometimes the agreement is to wait till the energy subsides before dealing with it. Maybe the next hour or even the next day.  

Sometimes, when negative high energy happens frequently, in a workplace for example, we have to make the tough decision to move away permanently and get another job. 

If it’s a significant relationship that is toxic and high negative energy is frequent, it might be best to end the relationship or take a break. 

Keep in mind, you always have choice and you can choose your peace of mind. Do it. Take care of yourself. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to effectively take care of others. When you take care of yourself without disrespecting others, you typically attract others who are similar, and take care of themselves while respecting others. When this happens, there is more harmony in our lives. 

Here’s the recap. 

1. Step away.
2. Pause and reflect.
3. Detach and analyze.
4. Become aware of your own Human Interaction Process (HIP) when you witnessed the event. Ask 5 questions.
5. If you have time and it’s not in the moment of the incident, write it all out and take it with you into the conversation, so when you begin the conversation you can keep things on track. If there is no time to write things down, flow into the next step and focus on each other’s HIP.
6. Have the conversation beginning with asking about their HIP. Remember the HIP and keep the conversation coming to that focus.  Ask about, and validate, their HIP in the incident often, and then share yours.
7. Agree to a plan of action when energy levels rise in the future. Get permission to interrupt in a situation when energy is high. You might only get permission to discuss it after energy levels lower. Either way agree to a plan of action when energy levels rise in the future. 

Remember in life it will be alright in the end. If it isn’t then it isn’t the end.