What is the power of the story?
People relate to stories. They like to hear them.
In building relationships, stories are powerful. I’m going to talk about 4 types of stories.
The funny story.
The whole story.
The other person’s story.
My Story (Your story if you're sharing).
The funny story opens people up with a smile. Smiling naturally opens the face and body language and breaks the ice. When we relate in humor the relationship builds trust whether the story is a joke or a true situation. Here's a light funny story:
"A Husband and wife are walking the beach while on a warm winter vacation. They come across a bottle in the sand with a cork in it. Curiosity gets the best of them. The man picks up the bottle and pulls the cork.
Poof, out comes a great big genie. He stretches and says, I’ve been in there for a thousand years. Thanks for letting me out. I have incredible powers when I'm out of that bottle, and to show my gratitude for letting me out, I’m going to grant each of you a wish of anything in the world you want. He goes on to say, take your time, be specific and be careful with your wish, you get exactly what you wish for.
He looks at the wife and says, women first. What would you like? She says, I don’t have to think about it. I know exactly what I want. I’ve always wanted to travel around the world in first class, stay at the nicest hotels and dine in the finest restaurants.
Poof, a great big basket appears in her arms full of first class air tickets, vouchers to the best hotels and finest restaurants. She’s so happy she’s crying.
The genies looks at the husband and says, it’s your turn. The husband hesitates a little, looks at the genie, looks at his wife and says, I’m a little bit embarrassed to say this but I’ve always wanted a wife thirty years younger than me.
And Poof, he was ninety. When you here that, do you smile? Probably. Most people do. When you smile, your facial expression opens. You become more engaged.
When we are communicating, we want others to engage. Even when going into an intense mediation session I’ll often break the ice with a joke or a funny story of some kind. I’ll be careful to keep it non discriminatory. We never know when a joke will be inappropriate and turn people off. Be careful with your humor.
Personal stories also help people engage. They see you as real and authentic and trust builds. There are times when people share partial stories and it has the opposite effect. Have to be careful.
The whole story is needed (at times) for clarity of understanding.
Sometimes sharing partial stories confuses and gives the wrong message.
As an expert communicator, when I share that I am divorced from my first wife, some people think, ‘How can you be a good communicator if you couldn’t keep your relationship together.’ They only have a partial story. The whole story, in short form is;
My first wife and I struggled for 17 years with sexual compatibility. We rarely had sex. I was very frustrated. It was a common thing in relationships though. Many couples struggle with the same issue so we preserved in the relationship and we were both good communicators. We are compatible very good friends and agree on most political, spiritual and life process topics. We had 2 children together so we wanted to make it work for them. We both came from divorced families and didn’t want to repeat the cycle. Sometimes personal mental health is more important though.
If I’m not happy how can I be truly supportive and helpful to my children and others? If I’m not happy, how can I realize my full potential? I can’t.
After doing everything we could; reading books on sexual compatibility, using the conflict resolution communications techniques we learned together, we still didn't gain any ground. We decided to take sexual therapy and we began seeing a sexual Councillor.
After about a year of this process, my wife went on a women’s only vacation to Ireland. On her return, she said to me there’s something important I have to share. She went on to share her story of discovery on the trip. She became very attracted to one of the tour guides, a lesbian. She never acted on the desire at the time but she wanted to desperately. She was honest with me. She shared effectively.
My first reaction was actually one of relief. We decided to allow her to explore and she did. Soon it was apparent that her true desires were to be with a woman. It all made sense now.
We decided it was best for both of us if we divorced. Each others mental health was more important than staying together. It would be better for the kids if we were honest and not self sacrificing so we proceeded.
The whole process took about six months. We used the communications techniques I share in these weekly talks and in the CONTACT Communications program to navigate the many conversations that unfolded.
In that process we had one fight and that was about when to tell the kids.
We didn’t use a lawyer except to finalize legal documents and we only used one. Legal fees were minimal.
Without using effective communications techniques the situation that unfolded could have been disastrous. It wasn't. We rented an apartment and her and I changed homes each week instead of the kids. The kids stayed in their home and their same schools. We didn’t want to uproot them. Their parents moved back and forth each week instead.
My first wife and I still maintain a strong friendship to this day and I’m still close with my ex in-laws. In fact my first wife introduced me to my second wife 10 years later. She set us up on a blind date.
Sometimes sharing the whole story is too long and not necessary. Some people want it quick and simple. Making the whole story accurate, complete, quick and simple is an art and takes practice.
I could talk about my relationship with my first wife and the divorce for 2 hours and most of it would bore people. They become uninterested and disengaged. Keep it as short as you can while still sharing the whole story. There have been times when I only shared partial stories and mis-interpretations were high and the relationships ended.
The two most important stories to share and to understand in any situation are you’re own and the other person’s story. The power to change ourselves and influence others is in discovering, and understanding each other’s story. What story do you want to uncover first? Yours or the other person’s.
“Seek first to understand then to be understood.” Stephen Covey. It’s important to seek the other person’s story before sharing your own, most often.
What story do you uncover in the other person?
In any given interaction or moment, Find out their HIP. Their Human Interaction Process in the moment. Ask about them. What they are sensing, thinking, feeling and intending right now. People want to feel understood. Do you? Of course. Extend that gift of understanding to the other person and you will see people open up and engage with you.
Then share your HIP, Your story in the moment.
The moment of now is the most powerful time we have. Live in the now and be aware of yourself and seek understanding of others whenever you think of it. Practice, get good at uncovering and sharing the HIP story and you will find people share things with you that you don’t expect.
You will find people trust you more than ever and your relationship will build and be very healthy.
Remember the 4 types of stories.
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